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“You blame your parents for everything, write bad poetry and
want to slit your wrists.”
This was the response I got from my
“norm” friend when I asked her about the Gothic stereotype. She was
kidding and only said that to get under my skin. She’s my best friend and
knows all about my dark side. But while she said this as a gag, it’s a
serious stereotype people have about Goths. The stupidity of it makes you want
to laugh and scream at the same time. Such a preconceived notion is the result
of pure ignorance. But this led me to wonder-if the majority of the population
sees the Gothic sub-culture as something dreary, doomed and freakish, what made
us take that first step into the dark side?
For me it started with the
music, although I didn’t know what Goth was at the time. I was eight years
old. I snuck into my sister’s room and stole her New Order, Bauhaus and
Depeche Mode tapes. While all my little friends were listening to Sharon, Lois
& Bram and Raffi, I was bopping around my bedroom to Blue Monday. And I
took strange pleasure in snarling “undead, undead, UNDEAD!” with
Peter Murphy.
In Grade 9 I heard “Atmosphere” by Joy Division. I
fell in love and I never looked back. I began exploring gothic literature, the
aesthetic, the history. While I think everyone who indulges in the Gothic look
might feel a tad out of place initially, I really felt it. I went to a very
tiny private school, and I was the only Goth. I got sent to the
principal’s office for wearing black nail polish and was admonished for
dying my sandy-coloured locks jet black. I was called a freak and a loser.
Eventually I just didn’t care what everyone else thought, because in the
music and the fashion I found happiness in my own Gothic world. Above all, I
was the only individual.
These are the roots of my Gothicism. But what
of others like me? I set out to find out. So herewith, some of my readers and
some regulars in Toronto’s Gothic scene describing, in their own words,
how they were lured to the dark side, and why they still love to lurk
here:
“The dark aesethetic inspires me. I love the music, I love
the artistic expressions, I love the clothing. I love the friendly people who
are affectionate, caring and sensual. I love that a good portion of the people
I meet are artists or very appreciative of the arts. Plus, most are very
open-minded, educated and worldly. None of these elements really scream "Goth"
to me. I am not interested in blood, in fact, it makes me sick. I am not
suicidal and I don't write bad poetry (anymore). Those got burned. Really, all
it means is I like my life with a side of dark culture. I have tattoos, which
express part of my identity. I consider it my version of the straight brush
sports boy haircut or dragon tagged golf shirt. I live an alternative lifestyle
and do not cloak myself by day - I am as is. For my day job, I tone it down for
the corporation; however, I do my job just like the next person.
Goth
has been my home on and off for years. I am not sure there was ever a turning
point, more like a convergence of parts of my identity plus some awesome
friendships. I have dabbled and continue to dabble in other genres and
activities that are not really label specific. I have friends who consider
themselves Goth and others who do not - it is really just a label like someone
calling themselves a hockey fan. Maybe it is because society has assumptions
about what that means and media plays on the negative connotations rather than
the positive attributes.
My parents don't really get it. They consider
me a freak, especially when I got a large tattoo on my right arm. But then
again, I consider their matching clothes and baseball-watching to be odd too,
but I love them as they are. In the last few years, they are warmer to some of
my likes and dislikes. My mom even made me dark purple brocade curtains, which
help with the sun menace at 5am in the summer after a night on the balcony or
out with friends at a club.
Why do I love it? Probably the same reason
that I love opera, jazz, books, cooking, punk, cycling, electronica, gardening,
etc., it offers some value and pleasure to my life.”
Nighthawk21,
age 34
"It was a chance visit to Velvet on a Thursday night some 3
years ago that I discovered the scene. I was hooked from the start - the music
was familiar, yet evolved from when I was last in the underground. In fact, I
had to look up what EBM stood for! At first, my only dark fashion accessory was
a studded bracelet - but a trip to Siren and a dent in my MasterCard fixed
that. Then I discovered Savage, and Vatikan, and then the Fetish nights, and
then Feindflug, all the while meeting amazing people, all individuals, all
creative in some way. And women resplendent in Victorian Goth - that totally
astounded me! My norm friends thought I was becoming a biker! My parents still
don't know, my sister doesn't want to know, and my co-workers don't even
suspect! But I can't imagine my social life without the scene - and the
opportunity it affords for self-expression."
Roman
“You
may not fit into your local high school prep set. You might start to feel a
little lonely and down. You might be clever. You may have a pet snake. You
might be too selfish to hate anyone else. You may not be nice. You may not be
social. You may not be tanned. You may be witch. But you're definitely a night
owl who loves wearing black. Your favourite bands might be: Bauhaus, Sisters of
Mercy, Skinny Puppy, The Cure, My Life with the Thrill Kill Cult, NIN and Dead
Can Dance.
I met a Toronto Goth who was dating a girl at my high school in
suburbia. He and I only talked a little, but it was enough to see that I wasn't
as alone as I had thought. The scene was happening in T.O. The Goths had sort
of staked out Queen St. West as home, the punks sorta had Yonge St. Gawds I
loved visiting Savage Garden and Death in the Underground and drifting home
with others of my ilk to hide from the sun. No one else here in blue-collar
suburbia was wearing all black or a cloak at the time. So I returned their
stares with my best soul-eating glares. My family tried not to notice me. As
long as I kept working and passing school how bad could this phase be?
Besides, can anything compare to a night of dancing among Goths? Everyone is
either a superb lady or gentleman, tragically beautiful, and articulate. Our
music, fashion, and sense of style are sexy and unchallenged.
Ray, Age
34
“It was that CD I rented from the local video store one day
when I was in Grade 10. They used to rent out CD’s as well as movies, and
they had “Pretty Hate Machine” by Nine Inch Nails (it had just been
released the year before). Since I’d never heard of it, I thought I’d
give it a try - I was always on the lookout for new music. I took it home and
fell in love. To be honest, I still have that tape - I just can’t bear to
part with it. The rest of my high school life involved searching out new bands,
experimenting with fashion and being taunted by the popular kids (A LOT).
I
finished high school at 17 and moved straight to Toronto. I was feeling pretty
homesick and lonely, so a high school friend, who also lived in Toronto, took
me out to Childhood’s End - aka- Limelight Sundays with DJ Iain. I
remember walking in the front door and being led downstairs to the dance floor.
I was home. Until the end of the night, I stood there in the shadows near the
bar absorbing the scene. Growing up in a small town, I never realized that
there were other people who had the same taste as me. I had thought that no
matter where I went, I would be considered strange for wearing fishnets, pvc,
velvet and lace. I fell in love with industrial music, bands like Front 242,
Nitzer Ebb, KMFDM, and started to design my own clothing using vinyl and pvc.
Twelve years later, and here I am, still in love with the scene, and still
designing pvc clothing.”
Michelle, 28
“Blame it on
David Bowie, or at least that's what I chose to do. I can remember the bleary
eyed recognition of watching a bedazzled though mulleted David Bowie prancing
about in dark clothing in Labyrinth sometime in my youth. There was an
immediate connection to a world I had never known, something darker and more
sinister than my suburbanite life had ever allowed me. I never remember making
a conscious decision to define myself as 'Goth' though through my childhood I
remember the changes that brought me to that point. By the eighth grade my
wardrobe was predominantly black and red, and my taste in music had brought my
teenaged melancholy to The Cure, Bauhaus, Love and Rockets, and The Sisters of
Mercy. I was fascinated with what I saw as a close sister to the 'glam'
movement I had so adored in my childhood. There was a sense of occasion to it
all that I adored, plus the beautiful sense of androgyny that accompanied it.
These were the elements I chose to focus on.
Through my teenage years in
the scene I witnessed the rise of Marilyn Manson and the Columbine massacre
which made life very difficult for those of us who chose to live out our
lifestyle publicly in suburbia. Though David Bowie was right there with us,
releasing “Earthling”, and doing videos with Trent Reznor. As long as
Bowie was connected to the scene, no matter how vaguely, I always felt that it
was at the very least fashionable.”
Dan, Age 23
“I came of age in the Windsor/Detroit area where an underground Goth scene
has been thriving for many years. In my youth, I didn't fit in with the
preppy/pop scene, but didn't know much about Goth. At the time, I was fairly
shy, listened to mostly depressive music, read a lot, and dressed fairly weird.
In grade 12, I started sneaking into Goth clubs in the area and my eyes were
opened to a new and amazing world! The turning point was in high school when a
Punk/Goth girl asked me out. A whirlwind romance ensued. She was very outgoing
and introduced me to tons of new people. It was a great feeling to get to know
so many people who were of a similar mind as me.
I come from a fairly
conservative (read religious) background. Initially, my family didn't know what
to make of my interests in the dark romantic side of life. However, things
changed dramatically when I started dating the aforementioned Punk/Goth girl.
My parents went pretty ballistic and thought we were both possessed. Okay, not
literally possessed, but they were strongly against the relationship and made
it known from the start. I have enjoyed seeing the Goth sub-culture evolve and
change over the years, while still maintaining a sense of its roots. I have
also found my specific interests in the scene to be constantly evolving, from
dark romantic to punk to cyber/fetish, and beyond. Also, the creativity of Goth
folks, especially as seen in their music, fashion/style, prose, poetry and
visual art, never ceases to amaze me. I look forward to the day when Goth
culture becomes recognized as a proud part of our country's multi-cultural
mosaic. GOTH PRIDE!!!!”
John, Age 32
“I was
predisposed to appreciate what I would much later discover to be "Goth" at a
young age. In kindergarten through university, I was always an outsider. This,
combined with an enduring fascination for flamboyant fashion and a cynical
worldview, were the perfect ingredients for my eventual introduction to Goth
culture.
Attending a Catholic high school, all students were required to
wear uniforms. But one day a month was a designated "civies" day, during which
students could wear their own clothes. I'll never forget the day I saw one of
my female classmates strut into the cafeteria wearing a black fishnet shirt,
black corset, black chunky-soled knee high boots, black frilly skirt, and of
course, elaborate, swirly black eyeliner and lipstick. Though her appearance
was shocking, if intimidating, to me, I loved it. I loved the dark, unique
look. I loved the elegant nod to old world romanticism that it seemed to
embody. It seemed like the ultimate expression of individuality, and I
respected her for having the guts to dress like that knowing full well she'd be
an object of ridicule by the majority of her fellow schoolmates.
Several
close friends began listening to dark, abrasive industrial music. I was
enthralled by this music, which sounded completely alien to me, and began to
actively seek it out.
The final factor was my introduction to a friend's
girlfriend, who was a full-blown Goth. She immediately noticed my "aspiring
Goth" tendencies and took me under her wing. She explained the whole concept of
"Goth" to me, including its history and many different forms in art, music, and
fashion.
This opened the floodgates in my final transformation. I finally
found a subculture that I felt fully comfortable to embrace. My first trip to
the now sadly defunct Sanctuary Vampire Sex Bar cemented my desire of
inclusion. I walked through those creepy black doors and thought I had
magically teleported to the cantina bar in Star Wars - the place was packed to
the rafters, full of the weirdest looking freaks! And the women...my god. The
tribal, pounding industrial music suited the atmosphere perfectly. Initially I
was petrified, but that soon gave way to adoration. I walked out those doors
that evening a full convert.
Naturally there was a bit of friction with the
parents over this issue, but they knew nothing about the Goth scene and I
skillfully kept their knowledge of it to a minimum. I would never tell them
where I was really going, and I wouldn't put makeup on or wear the more
flamboyant outfits until I had left the house. While this charade was a hassle,
it also added that element of rebelliousness and adventure that made it so
exciting.
Most people at the time dismissed it all as a phase and that I
would eventually grow out of it. But here I am nearly a decade later, still a
regular fixture at the clubs and events. Goth has always been a part of me, and
always will be. It may not have the same intense level of seductive allure that
it once did, but I still feel a tingle of excitement whenever I walk through
the doors of the local clubs at night to be in the company of my black-clad
comrades.”
Frazzy, Age 29
“I got into Goth when I
was in high school. I had been listening to electronic music for as long as I
could remember. Bands like Frontline Assembly, Download, Front 242, KMFDM and
eventually NIN. My school required me to wear a uniform at all times, and I
didn't really have a social life, so my wardrobe outside my uniform consisted
of maybe track pants and possibly some hockey t-shirts. But I started to get
into small fashions, like wearing rings, chain wallet, spike bracelets and so
on. As far as clothing, it was just a gradual phasing out of not knowing any
better, to knowing how I would like to dress, to dressing fashionably Goth (or
so I believed).
My father wasn't really too objective to most of the
clothing I would wear, except for the jewelry. I was constantly asked ‘why
do you have to wear those, rings are for girls’ and occasionally "you know
they have other colors you can buy". My grandmother really had a problem with
me wearing ‘weird pants’, either of the raver persuasion or bondage
or some sort. There was always a comment to be made. In the end, I feel that I
found my niche in becoming a part of the sub-culture. It has become as much a
part of me as anything else that makes anyone who they are. Most of my friends
are as far from Goth as they can be, but totally embrace the fact that I am,
and respect me for finding my own identity. For that, I am grateful.
Ryan, Age 25
posted May 4th 2005 |
Darq Angel has been living in
Toronto for 15 years. An avid reader, writer, club-goer, and music lover, she
has been a lurker in Toronto's gothic scene, floating around quietly, casting
her dark shadow over various clubs and events in the city. 